


A Cross to Wear

by vogue91



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cigarettes, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders' Era, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-23 02:07:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13777434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “Well, ‘us’ it’s a little beyond what I was thinking. I’m worried about you, Sirius. And you know that.”Black smiled, slapping him affectionately. He wasn’t ready to confess yet, he wasn’t ready to let Remus gaze into the depths of his soul.





	A Cross to Wear

He couldn’t deny it any longer. He was absolutely worried. He laughed lightly of himself, thinking that at least for once, it wasn’t his animal nature that bothered him.

He looked outside the dormitory’s window, and the crescent moon greeted him, with its usual sinister smile. The full moon was far away from those nights, and he had never felt better.

Nonetheless, what unsettled him right in that moment was far beyond transformations, terror, anxiety and fear.

Simply, he was worried about Sirius. It had been days since his friend had started wandering the hallways with a grim face, without allowing himself the smallest laugh, no matter the circumstance. He didn’t laugh at James’ joes, he didn’t laugh about Snape, he didn’t laugh when he was with the other Marauders.

He was off, Remus wouldn’t have known how else to describe him.

With a sigh, he moved from the windowsill and went toward the Common Room.

It was well into the night, and it was desert. To the feeble light of the fireplace, the boy could still catch sight of a shape heavily collapsed on the couch, and a labile pillar of smoke rising from it. He shook his head and got closer, stealth.

When he was a few inches from it, the shape spoke.

“You know, it’s me who’s supposed to be Padfoot. And what a good thing that is, you make way too much noise when you move.” Sirius told him, a scornful note in his voice. Remus grimaced.

“I’m sorry, I was just trying to catch you off guard, but I suppose that’s impossible.” he said, ironical. His friend laughed, but of an artificial laugh, covered by the weight of his thoughts. Remus got gentler, and got even closer.

“You really should quit with the smoking.” he murmured, taking the cigarette out of his mouth. Sirius jumped up the couch and took it back almost violently. He took a long puff, as if to suffocate mind alongside lungs, then he looked at the other in the eyes and sighed.

“I’m sorry, Remus. I...” he started, but he couldn’t finish his sentence, and he took his head in his hands. Remus looked at him, frowning.

He had never seen him like this. Sirius was the strong one, he was used to face the world with his head always held high. He was happy, or at least he made a really good show of it.

He sat next to him, putting an arm around his shoulder.

“Come on, Padfoot! You’ll just make me worry more than I already do.” he protested, making the other one smile.

“You’re always worried, my friend. I think that for you is some kind of mission, or job. You worry about us.” Remus closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Well, ‘us’ it’s a little beyond what I was thinking. I’m worried about _you_ , Sirius. And you know that.”

Black smiled, slapping him affectionately. He wasn’t ready to confess yet, he wasn’t ready to let Remus gaze into the depths of his soul. He knew they had time, and that he wasn’t going to let what they shared be ruined, just for the melancholy that was playing him those days.

“I’m fine, Moony. After all, you’re the dramatic one.” he tried to joke, but he got only another sneer from him.

Remus caressed his cheek, just to see Sirius move it away harshly.

“Please! I’m not actually a dog!” he protested. “I said I’m fine.” he repeated, stressing it to declare the argument closed. As if he liked to delude himself, to think that Remus would’ve actually given up finding out what was wrong with him.

He thought his friend would’ve insisted or would’ve gotten mad or offended; that’s what he would’ve done. Instead, Remus laughed, reminding him yet one more time how terribly and _adorably_ different they were.

“You’ve never been good at pretending, Sirius. Or at least you’ve never been good at pretending with me.” he said, almost tenderly, caressing his face once more. This time, Sirius didn’t pull away, but let Remus touch him, closing his eyes, as if those simple gestures, those fingers and that touch, could steal his thoughts, making him feel lighter. Calmer.

“Remus... you know what the problem is. It’s been the same since we’ve known each other.” he surrendered. He had never spoken openly about his family to Remus. The rare times when he felt the urgency of venting he went to James, because he was his best friend. The boy sitting in front of him... was something else. Something more intense, something Sirius was worried he could’ve ruined any moment if he hadn’t learnt the art of defence.

And yet he knew that Remus knew exactly what went through his mind. He couldn’t have explained why, but the bond between them over the years had grown stronger to the point of making them participant of every recondite recess of each other’s minds. He took another puff from the cigarette, this time with less urgency, less rush, and careful that the smoke didn’t reach the other. He didn’t need any reprimand, that night. He saved them for the days to come, aware that his own nature would’ve put them inevitably on his path.

“Your family?” Remus answered, cautious. The Animagus smirked.

“Did you really think it could’ve been otherwise?” the werewolf shuddered.

“If you don’t talk to me it’s hard for me to understand what’s going on in your head. I don’t like it when you shut yourself in, it hurts me.” Sirius opened his eyes wide for the disarming statement.

He was always surprised whenever Remus showed he could say openly how he felt. He was the shy one, the discreet one. And yet, too many times now he had shown he could be stronger than anybody believed.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think that...” he didn’t go on, taking the argument back to the source. “I’ve been standing them for sixteen years now, Moony. Sixteen years of yelling, battles, insults... _violence_ , even if never physical. I just wonder how much longer I can go on like this.” he murmured, hoping in his heart it wouldn’t have made Remus sad. He didn’t want for him to bear his issues as well. He already had enough of his own without Sirius adding up with his being so horribly pathetic.

But he should’ve known Remus better, and know that his only reason to exist was to help the people he loved. And he had always done so with Sirius, protecting him in silence, like a ghost, like a guardian angel. Protecting him, not physically, Sirius had no need for that, but rather he protected him taking advantage of the gift of little things, those gestures apparently ordinary that he knew would’ve put a smile back on Sirius’ face.

That was why Sirius wasn’t surprised when Remus hugged him, holding him so tight that they could barely breathe, oblivious to the smell of smoke that was slowly drenching his clothes.

When they put themselves back together, Remus was blushing, but he smiled.

“Sirius... we all have a cross to bear. A cross that for some can be a monster living inside and for someone an uncomfortable name. You’ve kept telling me for five years that I’ve got nothing to worry about, that I have no reason to feel like a monster, because it’s not a fate on which I had a say. And the same goes for you. You didn’t choose to be a Black, and there’s no reason why you should keep wallowing in this foul mood waiting for things to change.” he said, resolute. Sirius pouted, unable to admit that he was probably right.

“And let’s hear it, Nostradamus, what am I supposed to do? Is there any solution? Because, frankly, I don’t think I can keep living this way, we both know all too well I’d end up doing something incredibly rash.” the cigarette was used up, and Sirius took care of crushing it in the ashtray, with a not necessary violence, but that at least made him vent the anger he was feeling.

“Unfortunately, there’s no answer I can give to you. You’ve got to decide on your own what you should do.” his face lightened up in a smile. “The only thing I can assure you, is that I’ll always be here for you. But you should already know that.”

No, Sirius didn’t know that. He couldn’t even get the faintest idea as to what the werewolf felt when they were close. But Remus was sure that they had all the time in the world, and that sooner or later he would’ve made Sirius understand.

The Animagus grinned.

“You mean there no answer in all of your books? And what good is being a geek for, then?” he mocked him, in the desperate attempt to lighten up the conversation. Remus laughed.

“Believe me, it serves the purpose of fighting dissolution.” he joked, winking at him and patting his shoulder.

“See? It’s useless.” Sirius replied, taking back the cigarettes that were laying forgotten next to him. Remus turned up his nose.

“Another one, Padfoot?” he protested, frowning. His friend laughed.

“You’ve got your books, I’ve got my cigarettes. I’m sorry Moony, but it’s all part of the battle of the dissolute against the geeks.” he mocked him, smiling.

Remus shook his head, knowing he would’ve never brought Sirius back on the right path. He took him cautiously from his neck, letting him rest the head on his knees.

They stayed long in that position, each one lost in his own thoughts, in the ghosts towering over their souls. They knew they had something to fight against, it didn’t matter whether it bore the name of full moon or black.

That night they were together, and they weren’t gonna let anything or anybody ruin that atmosphere of peace so strenuously conquered. There was way too much time for those problems, for choices and for regrets, but that was not the moment. It was just time to let themselves being cradled by the night, to forget that the rest of the world even existed.

Just the two of them, in front of the ashes of a fire that was long gone. The only light shining on them, was the feeble flare of Sirius’ cigarette. And that was enough.


End file.
